In Loving Memory...

This weekend has been a tough one for the Borders family. Death is never easy to deal with; it doesn't matter the situation. I hear a lot of people say that they have a crazy family, but I just chuckle because 90% of them might take that back if they knew just half of the craziness that goes on in my family. Due to the fact that many of the stories are very personal and none of my (or your) business, I will leave them out and just tell my side. 

Growing up, I LOVED going to see "Grammy and Gramps." We usually went once a month, and my sisters and I always looked forward to those Sunday dinners. My grandparents spoiled us. There was always some kind of candy waiting in the kitchen for us. Without fail, chips and dip and a huge selection of drinks would be out on the table. Grandma was an amazing cook, so dinner was never short of delicious and filling. Playing Mario on Nintendo64 never got old. I don't ever remember a time when there was no ice cream in the freezer and chocolate syrup in the pantry (Grandpa would get it all ready for us, and then we would stir it all up until it looked like chocolate soup). Coloring books and crayons filled the hutch.There was also a Pool table and a big-screen T.V. in the basement where the guys kept themselves occupied, while the girls played games like Nertz and Phase10. Bottom line: we were never bored at Grandma and Grandpa's house.

The best part about it all was the fact that we were a family, and we loved each other. I looked forward to going there every month because I knew that I got to spend time with people who loved me. For a long time it was just my sisters, one cousin, and me. But, even though there weren't really any kids to play with, we still had a blast being around aunts, uncles, and awesome grandparents.

Somewhere, some time, all of that changed. The family began fighting, my grandparents split up, and people chose sides. I was in high school at this point. Grandma moved around a couple of times and left my grandpa alone in their gorgeous Draper home, right next to the Draper Temple. She eventually ended up in New Harmony (close to Cedar City), claiming that she was sick and receiving free treatment down there (which was not true). Some time during all of this, Grandma took me out for lunch and to pick out a new camera for my graduation. I remember her acting like such a teenager the entire time, and I knew that she was not the same "Grammy" that I used to love so much.

Of course, both of my grandparents were invited to my sealing. Grandpa came, but Grandma (conveniently) had a later flight. Only one person (my aunt Mylee) was in our wedding pictures. I am grateful for her for that. 

Both of my grandparents made it to our luncheon, but only stayed at the reception for a very short time. I don't even remember them talking to us. I think it was just a quick hug, and they were off.

This is the only picture I can find of them on that day:

I know it's just of their backs, but this picture says a lot to me...


I think my family only visited her once at her home in New Harmony. Beautiful place, by the way. There's nothing quite as serene as living off of a dirt road in a house that's surrounded by nature at its finest. Here are some pictures from that trip. Wish I would have taken some with her though...

This is my darling nephew playing in the window outside

Jordon and I getting ready to go out 4-wheeling 

After the long 4-wheeling trip. He was covered in mud!

After that trip, I really didn't see my grandparents much, or anyone from that family. Everyone just kind of did their own thing. Sometimes we'd meet up with some of my dad's siblings and have dinner. Most of those events included talking about the latest drama between my grandparents. 

Birthdays and special events in my immediate family were quickly put on her back-burner. I would get a call or a text, and probably a gift card for my birthday. No visits. Christmas was the most difficult, because it was very clear that we were left out. My grandma made a point to visit my younger cousins and their families, but didn't ever come see us older ones. Her explanation for that was that she was "too busy visiting the other grandkids." She would have my dad come meet her to give him our gift cards. This last year I was extremely bitter. I didn't want any more gift cards. I just wanted to feel like the grandma that I once loved to visit and spend time with was still there somewhere. Once again, she met up with my dad to give him our gift cards. However, this time he told her that next year would be different. He said that they needed to make time to come see us and bring us our gifts next time. Little did we know that that wasn't going to be possible. 

I remember blowing up the night we got the gift cards. I didn't even open them until later because I really didn't care. It took me until a few days after Christmas to finally send her a text thanking her for them. I wish I would have saved the text she sent back. Truth is, I didn't believe it was sincere, so I didn't care to keep it at the time.

At the beginning of this week (maybe Monday), we were informed that Grandma was very sick. It was hard for any of us to believe her because she liked to "cry wolf" fairly often. We quickly learned that this time was different. On Wednesday we made plans to head down to New Harmony Friday afternoon to visit Grandma because she had Breast Cancer, and was in Stage 4. My mom let me know that she would call me at my work if things got worse before we were able to go down. Every time my work phone rang, my heart stopped a little. Finally, on Thursday, I did get that dreaded phone call. Dad let me know that his mom's doctor told the family she had but hours to live. I don't know if I've ever felt so panicked in my life. I dropped everything I was doing, raced through the awful ice storm, and packed my bags. I didn't even get the chance to give Jordon another hug "goodbye" because he was still at work. We immediately rushed down to Cedar City to see my grandma one last time in the hospital.

All my dad's siblings had already seen her; some had already headed home by the time we got there. They kept informing Grandma that we were on our way to come see her, and to hang in there. She was completely unresponsive the day we arrived. Nobody had gotten her to open her eyes. As soon as we walked in, Dad walked right up to her, put his hand on her, and said, "Hi Mom! It's me, Bryan." MaryKay Borders opened her eyes for the last time in her life that night.

I truly believe that she was waiting to hear my dad's voice. There was only one more person who she needed to see before she went, and my dad was able to make that happen for her. This picture speaks more than a thousand words. It's beautiful.

That night was really emotional for all of us in the room. Her lungs were failing, so every breath was a struggle for her. We left to go out to eat and spend time with my grandpa, so we all took turns saying "goodbye," just in case. I kissed her on the forehead and told her that I would see her later. We thought she would go that night, but she didn't. 

Us girls hung onto each other during this long and emotional weekend.

 

As the week had gone by, the family had found out more and more things about her life that she had kept secret. There were a lot of lies. It is all extremely surreal to all of us. It made this whole experience very strange and emotional. We spent one more day in the hospital on Friday discussing my grandpa's options if she pulled through or if Heavenly Father decided to take her. A couple of nurses came to move her, which caused her to cough very strongly, and then...nothing...I thought I had just watched my grandmother take her last breath. Worst image ever. Luckily her breathing came back. That's when we decided that it was time to go. Nobody wants to watch their loved one die, especially when they are suffering so much like she was. I asked for some privacy while my sisters and I said our last "goodbye." That's an experience that you just can't understand unless you go through it yourself. How do you say goodbye to your dying grandmother who was so full of lies and deceit, and who hasn't expressed her love to you in years?

I put my hand on her arm, and through many tears I managed to let her know that I was going to remember the good things, and all the fun times we had together. Nothing has ever been so difficult. Dani, my sister, said that my grandma let out a grunt after I walked away. 

MaryKay Borders, age 67, died of Breast Cancer that night. She knew for years that she had a tumor, but for some reason never got it looked at. My grandma, my "Grammy," let herself die of a curable cancer. We may never know why. She left her husband to clean up a pretty ugly mess of lies, deceit, and debt that she left behind. As my grandpa attempts to pick up the pieces and put his life back together, I hope he can find love and support in his family. I also pray that we all find it in our hearts to forgive. I have discovered that all that matters to me is that I had a grandmother who treated me like a princess growing up. She loved and pampered me. We may never know what went through her mind these last 10+ years, but we do know that she raised 6 great children and lived a very adventurous life as she traveled the world.

Rest in piece, Grammy. May you find joy in your new home.

As for me...I will remember the good things.

Always let family know you love them, and never take them for granted. You never know when your last "goodbye" will be. 

Go to the doctor regularly, and never neglect an abnormal change in your body! And women.....ALWAYS get your yearly mammograms. Cancer is nothing short of serious. To get more involved in helping with those who suffer this terrible illness, go to komenslc.org to contribute to the Utah Affiliate of Susan G. Komen For The Cure.